Satyamev Jayate – Episode two, reminded me of two shit childhood experiences, just for record:

Trying to be open to the world…

1. I was in 6^th, me and Pakhi were walking back home. It was late evening and a bit dark in our lane. Suddenly a scooter stopped in front of me. I recognized the man as a classmate’s father. I smiled and said Namaste uncle. He smiled back asking my wellbeing, where are you coming from etc. etc. I told him my parents are not home, we were at some friends place.  A couple of more normal questions followed and before I knew as to bid bye he hugged me tight, real tight. Pressing my breast against his chest. In a way you know which is not normal or not right. In a way which was disgusting and still is when I think of it. I forced myself out of his grip, Pakhi was too small to understand anything, I just asked her jaldi chal, it’s getting late. And we left for home.  It wasn’t my mistake in any way. It was some 15 years back, unlike today when you don’t talk to your neighbor’s or don’t trust even closest of the relatives. We were taught to respect elders, acknowledge them when they are home etc. Even today I don’t think the situation was my mistake but I couldn’t tell my parents about it. Not even my mom. I hid the fact as if hiding some personal mistake. And not even shared this with anybody at school. Not then. Not now.  I didn’t tell this to a single soul except for the people I eventually fell in relationship with. I don’t know what stopped me. I am still not sure of the reasons.

2. We went to a school picnic when I was in 6^th or 7^th std.  It was a hot long summer day and it got very late by the time we were given lunch. I had a lot of water and cold drinks till that time and I urgently needed to pee. I ran towards the loo, and I fell in the bathroom where water was clogged which completely soiled my cloths, the bathrooms weren’t clean so a lot of other things dirtied my cloths. I went in the toilet tried to wash myself to the best of the abilities with the water in the bucket. The taps in the toilet were not working. We were supposed to board the buses right after the lunch, so everybody who came was in a rush and no one listened to me when I called out for more water. I was in panic too so as to not to miss my bus. I came out of the loo, thinking I will wash the remaining of me in the common washbasin area.  By that time I couldn’t locate anybody from my school, no voices also. My panic increasing every sec. Right at that time a male sweeper entered the toilet to clean it and repair the water clogging , and saw me in that situation. He asked me what happened and I was all wet, I said I fell here pointing at the water clogging and got all dirty. He smiled which I thought to be reassuring smile and said I will clean you; he connected a pipe to the tap. And I asked me to remove my skirt, I felt odd and said aap aise he pani dal do upar se, mai geele skirt me chali jaungi. He did that, he started the water flow only thing he added was he took his hand from my skirt to inside it touching my private parts…. I pushed him and ran off to the bus.  And was dead scared as I couldn’t see any one and was afraid that sweeper would get hold of me. Apparently all buses but one left. That one was only waiting for me and a teacher was in a lookout for me. It was a male teacher so I couldn’t narrate my story and by the time I reached home, I did not want to go through the whole experience and again skipped telling this to anybody.  I wish I did, I would not have been living it even this day.

Shift of Focus, of Feelings!!!

This was to be posted on 15th February 2012. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday morning I was furious at something. – Furious; angry; upset all at the same time.  And all i do in situations like this is I cry. Cry big time….it was one of those days, when my tears were not ready to stop, come what may.  I am also surprised by the unlimited tears stock I have, but that shall be pondered upon later, so I was upset, angry and like I said furious. It had been almost an hour of continuous weeping at first while walking towards my stop, then while waiting for my office bus then in the bus. My bus mates were surprised that instead of usual over beaming good mornings and hellos I was rushing to my back seat with red nose, wet eyes and flushed cheeks.

I was not able to take my mind off the reason for this situation and was crying more and more. After sometime when it got too much, a senior manager in my bus, who is also very fond of me, tried to console me, trying to distract me with my favorite topic food, then cloths but nothing was helping me.  But for her, and for other few friends in the bus who have started feeling helpless, I tried stopping my tears – I wiped my face with my already now wet tissue; took deep breadths and drank half a liter of water.  And that my friends proved to be the biggest mistake I recently committed. 

It started on a milder note but around 10 minutes later (you bet my body metabolism is damn fast); I had an unexplainable rush in my bladder, as if it would burst. I had to pee. I had to pee right there, right then. And that surprisingly took my focus to an altogether different direction now. I no more cared about the reason of my pain; of my tears; of my anger. All I cared about god giving me patience to hold till we reach to our office.  I changed my position 10 times siting in my seat, shifting, turning in all possible ways so as to ease my discomfort. But nothing could help, I remembered how when we were kids, parents try to distract us in similar situations, talking about everything else but that. I tried that too but all I could think of was how it’s best to be young babies and wear diapers all the time; how once my friend travelling to US told me that they have a small loo in the buses itself for long distance journeys and how I wished my office bus had one; how once my cousin released himself in a bottle in a moving vehicle in some god forsaken place where it was too risky to stop without the fear of getting killed so on and so forth. All the time I was praying to save my grace, save me from any embarrassment.

I never stared at the shops/malls falling on my way like I did yesterday for some hope that incase I cannot hold any further, I will probably get down anywhere and shamelessly ask if they have a washroom sorry toilet anything that would serve my need.  And how much I cursed Hyderabad for having so many flyovers, I can’t even tell you. How much I longed for even those dingy public toilets we usually find and curse and which Scribby recently mentioned in one of her post.  And how could god have made it any simpler, he cannot. If I was angry at him, he was angry at me. He made us late, he made sure we stop everywhere on all the signals, on traffic jams and made us reach 15 minutes late to office which rarely happened in my 14 months of commuting the same 90 minutes journey every single working day.  I was even worried for the fact that what if, I fail to hold once I get up.

And finally office came, I was ready to get down even before the bus stopped, I got down and rushed to the first washroom I could. Nothing could match the feeling of releasing yourself after you have waited long enough.  Post this dreadful experience, I totally forgot about what was in my mind that led this to happen.

Two questions for you:

1. Any quick tips what best we can do in situation like this?
2. Lately I have been writing a lot about loos, periods and peeing – do you think that’s normal?

Fat and Beautiful!!!

It started with being called chubby then it became healthy gradually it progressed to overweight and now from past few years it has been fat. Yes I am fat and I have no qualms about accepting it. I have been on the wrong side of the weighing scale since my teens. Somehow unlike a lot of my friends and cousins I never felt depressed about it except for very rare cases when I go for shopping and something I really like don’t fit because of my size, but that happens with all of us! Right? I never considered fatness and ugliness as synonyms which unfortunately a lot of people do. Last night I was talking to one of cousin, who is now a mother of two adorable boys, convincing her to come for a family wedding. In the list of her excuses of not been able to make it, one was her being fat. She was like, I feel so upset with my weight, I hate my pregnant looking tummy; I am tired of the paunch, I don’t want to look bad in the wedding. And it was not just an excuse, she has done everything to get rid of her tummy but nothing has worked to her favor, nevertheless she looks beautiful to me. She has special grace in herself, only if she would just smile a bit more than frown on her extra kilos.

I have always been complimented on my dressing sense, the way I carry myself despite my weight. I don’t want to sound boastful but yes, at times I look beautiful too.There are girls at my workplace who daily check me out complimenting me every single day. This used to happen in college too. There are few friends who consider me their shopping advisor.  I feel sad when I see weight in girls is made such a big taboo, lowering their self esteem. And the way girls take it, as if life has ended for them. The point I am trying to make is all of us can look beautiful despite our physical shortcomings – fat; skinny; dark skinned; short heighted etc. etc. Though they say it is the way you feel about yourself, if you feel you are beautiful, you look beautiful but we know the reality lies much beyond that. Surely feeling positive about oneself adds some charm to your persona but does not imply looking good. Probably I should list down a few things I know for sure works for us, no gyan, no philosophy, and few observations sheer out of experience.

For us, the big size girls, definitely wearing what the normal sized girls do doesn’t help. The biggest problem is not understanding what suits our size best and the issue aggravates by the fact that Indian markets do not have a lot of options for the +size. But still some efforts and you will find cloths of your choice.

Few blunders to be totally avoided for big size:

•  Wearing those tight busted Tshirts, even if they are your favorites don’t come out of bed/room/home wearing them. They look awful with your flab trying to make your way out of the cloth.
• Short ts when your side flabs peeks out
• Pencil fit denims
•  Wearing loose sleeveless cloths/tops. Sleeveless can look better if they are well tailored.
• And worst of all, wearing short kurtis over leggings/chudidars; if you like wearing short kurtis, try them over patiyalas/semi patiyala or even salwars but NO chudidar.
• Wearing big checks/big print patters/horizontal strips make one look broader.
• Very tight short sleeves/half sleeves when your fat forms an shape around it.

Few suggestions which make us look really good  :)

• Wearing a bit loose, hip length t-shirts, with sleeves folded once
• If possible go for ¾ or full length sleeves for your tops etc
• At least knee length kurtis on chudidar/pyjama/leggings
•  Go for straight fit denims over pencil fits
• Capries also looks good on us.
• If you have broad shoulders, flaunt them – off shoulders and boat necks really suit us.
•  Play more with accessories – bags, foot wears and scarfs… so that the attention gets divided there.
• Girls – remember scarfs/stoles are a saver to hide your heavy busts or that fat belly
• Open/ loose shirts/jackets with a good fitted spaghetti/bundi looks good as well
• If your face is big, try keeping shoulder length or longer hair
• And last but most important, always carry a smile on your face please, believe me that does magic.

The list can go on, it just that we got to be a little more observant and open to experiments. And avoid copying what normal size people wear around us. I advocate this thought so much, that I told my parents clearly I won’t definitely lose weight to find a prospect. They have to accept me as I am. That should not be a judgment criterion. And when actually my marriage got fixed, relatives starting asking me, try losing weight so that I look better in my wedding. Obviously the way I am, I did not. I was a Big Fat Indian Bride, and by all standards I was looking beautiful, the details would be shared in a dedicated post later. It’s not I don’t want to get in shape, I too want to lose weight though not for getting slim, but to get fit, get healthier definitely not with the sole objective of looking beautiful, the title says it all. I am Fat and Beautiful and pretty happy in my being.

Let’s just call it Periods. PERIOD.

Girls I don’t understand why we have to call it by names. It is as normal as getting cold, fever or head ache. But still instead of simply calling our Monthly Menstrual cycle as  periods, we call it with 100 different names – Chums, I am down, stomach ache, dadis call it mahine se ho gyi, lota ulta in some language.. and going by the ad world ‘mahine ke woh char din’. 

I somehow just don’t like it. I feel more comfortable saying it periods than calling it with any other name. I agree this could be a matter of personal choice, but I feel the whole world knows about it. I mean first your father &  brother at home and later your male  friends at college and colleagues at office; as far as I know these mostly these are the only categories of people in front of whom we can feel uncomfortable talking about it. That is completely all right, we don’t need to discuss about it but we don’ t have to be manipulative about our pain either. When you whisper something in your girl friend’s ears and turn around and she stares your back and you exchange assuring looks, why do you think the guys crossing your path, or standing besides you doesn’t notice? Believe me, He does. All of them do. They know and they also understand. Lets just come over that taboo.

And the other taboos, I disapprove of all of them. Religious restrictions. Kitchen restictions. Thank god my family is not al that into those. But i have seen a lot of my close relatives or friend’s family being over finicky about the whole issue.  Some of us do not even know the trauma girls in small cities or village face everyday, as if it is the girl’s mistake.  But that shall come in some later post.  I just feel its us who has to start it somehere and that somewhere starts with being open about your periods, atleast calling it by name. PERIOD.

Just curiuos to know:

1. What do you call it? Anything different from the above mentioned names.

2. The guys reading this, would you mind if someday we just say, got my periods – not in a mood to eat out; or what is your take on this, am i right when I say, guys do know about it?

 

You dont have to be that descriptive Monsieur!!!

This link was posted as ’interesting read’  in one of the official social networking sites for enterprise, which my firm is endorsing big time: http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/study_91_of_gen-ys_use_their_phones_in_the_bathroo.php 

Nothing unusual, people post 100 things, with 1000+ interesting thoughts. It’s a study saying that nearly 91% Gen Y use cellphones in their bathroom, nothing unusual about it, I use it too. I hate to admit but I am addicted to my handheld. But there is another gentleman who replied to the above post. Please read his comment, before i say anything else.

I also do that with my smart phone device. It is a kind of good distraction when your are in uncomfortable position.
Toilets or bathrooms are usually tightly spaced, especially public ones. And to get our business done there, most of us needs to be relax to let it go. Claustrophobic and easily bored person will find it difficult to cope with the situation.
Newspapers are big and takes a lot of space when you open them wide. If you take them to the bathroom, people will know what will you do there, somewhat disturbing your privacy. So smartphones are really the best, the only concern is now the toilet’s design.

I know its well put, nicely written, another interesting thought but how much descriptive one need be on a public forum? His reply made me imagine the whole scene of him being uncomfortable and all the shit.. yuck… i hate myself at times like this when my imagination go in all wrong directions.

Blogdentity Crisis

Despite being here for almost four years, despite loving the name of my blog since the time i kept it…I closed this space of expression, specifically this blog, this name  for some personal peculiar reason, details of which would be divulged sometime later.  I shifted to a new city for work and started a blog with a new name – Hyderabad diaries. Dint do justice to it either.  I started a couple of other random blogs some to simply vent out my frustration, some to put down only my personal chronicles  – a private blog…but i have to admit there was hardly any activity in any of my blogs.  Complete hodge podge and a lot of confusion.

A lot has happened over past year, a shy fresher became a confident resource of the firm, my marital status changed, i grew, i learnt, i fumbled; some dream shattered; some new were accomplished; some problems were solved; some new arose… but one thing that was constant was missing my writings; my blog; the blogger community and this name. This particular Space.

So after all my blogdentity crisis,I have decided to  just gonna keep this blog. Resuming my blogging activity here. I hope I do justice with the commitment I made four years back.  Hope to see some activity around it. Hope to see fellow bloggers drop in every now and then.

Welcome Back to Life’s Like It!!!

Happy New Year, the Hyderabad way!!!

This should have been posted in January 2011. But nevertheless, i will take this new year to put some pictures. Lets pictures speak for themselves..

These pictures were taken on the morning of 1st January 2011. I was amazed to see the beautiful Rangoli spreads  in front of each households. Friends from down south wont be amazed as this is a daily ritual in this part of the country. Here the females of the families make rangoli every single day, how so ever erly riser you are you would find the front porch of the houses adorned with such designs, EACH DAY. Only on special fesitvals and occasions like new years they fill it with colors.

Moreover I used to think that its one of the traditions followed, and specialized by the older generation. And the young working/ married women/mothers are not much into it. Untill recently we had a Rangoli Competion on the occasion of Sankranti, and i saw young girls showcasing their talent, making beautiful patterns in no time. I simply love to see the variuos designs each morning while walking to my cab pick up point.

New chapter of my Life!!!

A lot has been said about this laddoo

Some call it the most beautiful phase of once life

Some call it the biggest commitment you ever make

Some seems to be the master of this art

Most of them are still trying figure it out

Some say it’s a gamble, others call it a worth playing game…

A lifelong adventure trip or a living dream 

I was confused, concerned & skeptical…

Then I looked into the pros…

An extra debit card to shop

My personal driver to take me around

Someone on whom i can rightfully experiment my cooking

A permanent partner at the dining table (i hate eating alone)

Someone who can take care of all my paper work

Someone who will plan vacations and spend the money

A whole new family to love me

And the list goes on…

And i finally decided to take the big step… 
I am getting married

Next week, this day !!!

Navratrri Day One – 9/28/2011

This post is related to this.

GHAR
1. Did not put Sugar in my morning tea – but as God would want it, the milk I used  already had sugar. I promise I dint put.
2. Had juice – without sugar, juices ain’t something that is daily prepared in my house, but it was planned for this day when i had to gulp it down without sugar.

OFFICE
3. My cube mate offered me chocolate right in the morning as soon as i reached,  which is a rarity in itself, and I refused – he was shocked.
4. Another colleague mailed the entire team offering – ‘Tirupati prasad at my desk’. Those who have been to tirupati or had an opportunity to have a taste of it, they would know its much beyond just prasad. Its a tasty ladoo. Sorry for sounding totally non religious, but since childhood the only attraction for me to go to Hindu temples is Prasad .
5. At lunch, my lunch buddy went to buy some curd, and in change the vendor gave him Eclairs, which automatically comes to me. She came, and passed on the eclairs to me – i passed it back to her.  They sensed something was wrong.
6. After lunch, we came to have tea – which had become a ritual of sorts. And Hyderabad’s tea is sweet by all standards, specifically the Irani chai, at times the taste you feel after having the tea is just sweet. I asked for no sugar tea – he said not available. Can you believe it? Dint have tea.
7. And after two weeks of horrible weather, the Sun took some rest and it drizzled in the evening.. i longed not for an evening off from work, a romantic drive, a walk in the rains, garam bhutta, pakode…  no none of them but the yum hot chocolate from Barista counter in our Block… .now don’t start doubting.. dint have it. I DID not surrender to my temptations.

Reached back Home again:
8. My cousin got Ice cream during the day and was just waiting for me to have it. I did not get emotional for once, i served her twice – saying have my part as well. I am not having it. That’s me being generous about ice – cream. Very rare.

I left thinking, I am not sure if my normal day is filled with all such delicacies or not.. but when I said no to all that, that felt a big LOSS. Hope to lose some ( few grams would be OK) at the end of the Navratri

Sweets – No Thank You!!!

It is the start of Navratri today, though religiously we don’t follow any customs/rituals around this festival but I just decided to do something. No that’s a lie – was having a discussion with a friend yesterday, he coaxed me to leave something, I said that’s simple – would leave fruits for ten days ( God!  I hate them so much); he said, “leave something that you like”. I gave it a deep thought and decided to leave ‘sweets’.. can you believe it? Mithaiyan? Those who know me well enough, know how much I love sweets.  My mom teases me – that ” गोबर में भी शक्कर मिलकर देदो, mai खालुंगी. That should say it all. The name itself brings a smile on my face. All types/kinds/varieties of it - Ghar ki mithai, bazar ki mithai, chocolates, pastries, cakes, doughnuts, biscuits, laddoos, jalebi, halua, rasmalai, kheer, Barista’ choco excess, dark temptation, CCD’s famous cake with hot chocolate poured on it,  Mcdonalds’ Mcswirl, ice cream with coke.. etc etc..you name it and i love it. 

So this Navratri  – I decided to leave Mithai – in all the forms as much as I can follow.. so the following posts are going to be what all I am avoiding the whole day, which on normal day I take/eat/consume/enjoy without giving a second thought to it.

Guys, I am announcing this out loud, so as to stick to my commitment. Wish me luck.